To all the Mommies coming up behind me: Keep 'Doing'

Picture this if you will--

You are sitting in the bathroom, locked in a battle of the wills with your small but fully cognizant 3 year old, each insisting the other is wrong, arguing for the nine hundreth time that yes, they can actually go pee-pee in the potty.  Determined to win, you battle it out for hours, only to be interrupted by full-on terrorist threats coming from your two oldest; clearly if there is no parental intervention, there will be blood, if not death.  As you leave the bathroom to the sound of your precious baby screaming that "THEY CANT DO THIS" you think, "I need to go find the strongest drink in the house," which at any given moment, is probably the fermented apple juice in the rogue sippy cup underneath the bookshelf.  

Said bookshelf does not actually have any books on it at the moment, just half of a dirty pair of socks and now the favorite toy that you have confiscated to avoid bloodshed.  This is the same bookshelf that, in a week, will fall on your middle child who was trying to scale it to get back the aforementioned toy that you promptly forgot about.  It will result in a six hour trip to the ER while you not-so-patiently wait to be seen and simultaneously try to entertain the two perfectly healthy children who do not require stitches; everyone gets dinner out of the vending machine.  You tiredly joke with the doctor about getting a sedative for yourself too and receive a disapproving stare and a jotted down note in the chart.  This will later lead you to hysteria at midnight, sure in your middle-of-the-night-clear-thinking that Child Services will be showing up at your door just before breakfast.  

As you stop for gas on the way home from the hospital, because there won't be enough time during the morning school run, you wonder in passing, "Will I ever sleep through the night again?"

I am here to testify, yes.  Yes, you will.  And it will be glorious.  And you will feel human again.  I promise.

In the mania of "back to school" there have been lots of posts about motherhood/childhood/raising kids.  Other moms are talking about this right now and many of them more eloquently.  But, this is important, so I think it bears repeating.

Hang in there!

I am by no means an expert.  I fail just as often as I flourish.  We are only a month into the teen years and will have at least one little one in the house for the next sixteen years.  This is, of course, if there are no surprises or 'boomerang' kids (you know, the ones that move out only to move back in when they realize what a good gig they had at mom and dad's house.)  I am still in the proverbial trenches.

But, I can also see that there is hope.  I have it on good authority from friends that I trust that teenagers aren't as horrifying as everyone says.  Dash-1 and Dash-2 are old enough to babysit so that my Marine and I can actually go to a non-animated movie on occasion.  My laundry pile is horrifying on some days but they are big enough to help now.  My kiddos are far from leaving but they have started to walk toward the door.  Somedays this makes me happy and some days breaks my heart.

So, to all the mommies who are in some version of the above story (all hypothetical, by the way, except for the potty training part), here are my two cents.

1.)  Drop the comparison game.  NOW.

As much as I love Pinterest and find so many great ideas from people smarter than me, it can be a deep, dark pit.  In America, we love to 'keep up with the Jones' and the Internet is fuel to that fire.  Don't let yourself get sucked into the idea that your two year old must have a Minion themed party for one hundred, complete with homemade goodie bags and a cake that took you sixteen hours and $300 worth of supplies to make.  Celebrate the birth of your child certainly but run away from the guilt monster screaming that you are a bad mother if you don't hand decorate cupcakes for 25 other 2-year-olds who will only eat the frosting anyway.  If that is something you love doing, certainly go for it but don't do things to earn a non-existent "Best Mother" banner.  Comparing yourself to a mystical standard will only suck out what little life you have left and the years go fast enough as it is.  Leave it.  The kids will enjoy a store bought cake just as much and you will actually enjoy your kids then too.




2.)  Give yourself Grace

When I was a very young mother, I struggled fantastically with feeling inadequate.  My Marine was gone 75% of the time, we lived in a foreign country very far away from family and I knew without a doubt that I was the worst mother in the world, in fact, not in theory.

Grace came to me in the form of a visiting counselor who, along with my patient and wonderful pastor's wife, picked my sobbing self off the floor of a church potluck and took me to a safe place.  The counselor listened to as much of my story as I could get out and then looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Young lady, God could have given your children to any mother He wanted to; that is perfectly within His power.  He chose you so I know you have exactly what they need.  You are the best mother for them that there is.  So, go.  Do it.  Because you are the best that God has for them."

When I feebly protested that I would try, she interrupted me and said kindly but strongly, "No, don't TRY.  Go DO.  Do the best you can, whatever that is but there is no 'trying' in motherhood."

Now, I would love to say that was a battle standard I grabbed and charged over the hill with.  The truth is....not so much.  There are still days that I suck at this motherhood thing and I parent so badly that I wonder why any of my kids stick it out with me; I guess since none of them drive yet, they have no where else to go.  I am muddling through just as much now as I ever was.

But, I keep going.  I keep doing.  And, I am learning.  I can now recognize when we all need a re-set, when we need a nap, when we need time away from each other, when we need to go out to eat, when we need to call Grandma, when we need family time, when we need to let the blessed TV babysit so that I can get a shower without little fingers sticking under the door.  I give them and myself Grace when we screw up and we keep going because bogging yourself down in guilt does no one any favors.

My mom told me before I got married that my kids and my husband would be tailor made by God to help me grow up.  As they say, truer words have never been spoken.  I am growing up and I now know that, even in all my stupidity, I am the best mother for them and they are the best kids for me.

So....Keep fighting the good fight, dear mommies who are behind me.  It gets easier and better and harder and happier.  Your hearts will break and heal in a million places but it is totally worth it.  Just remember: Don't compare your 'lame' parenting to anyone else's 'lame' parenting (because, despite what it looks like, we are all working blind here) and give yourself grace to keep going.   Keep Doing.