There is no Christmas without bread

In my hunt for Grace and truth, I've been reading the book Unglued, by Lysa TerKeurst (great book, highly recommend).  Today I came to a section where she talks about how what we think physically effects our body; what we run through our minds actually changes our hormones.  Pretty amazing.  In it she quotes Psalm 126:3:

"The Lord has done great things for us and we are filled with Joy."

Um....yeah.  

Me.  Well, not so much.

Don't get me wrong; we have been amazingly blessed.  My Pilot husband went to Afghanistan and came home again with nary a scratch on him.  We got to take some amazing trips.  We became first time homeowners, to a house that I love.  We moved back to our church and friends here in SoCal, which is exactly what we asked for (minor miracle in military life).   God has done great things for us this year. 

And, yet.

I'll be honest.  I'm not feeling the joy part.  In fact, my man and I were talking tonight about how we don't really feel Christmas-y.  The Happy in my Holidays and the Merry in my Christmas have been sadly lacking.

As good as it's been, it's also been not-so-good.  Christmas day will now also be the anniversary of my grandmother's death.  We had friends walk through the valley of death too.  Family members are hurting.  Marriages have crumbled.  An economy on the brink of...something.  Less than encouraging national and international news.  And, the culture shock of moving back to the U.S. has been, well, shocking.  It's been a good year and a tough year.

Add on to that, I'm now on the other side of the Christmas equation now; I'm making the "magic" instead of taking the magic.  Where does one begin to celebrate a holiday in a Christ honoring way in a society that doesn't honor Him at all?  Yeah, daunting, to say the least.

All that to say, as much as I've been actively looking for, and finding Grace, I really needed some tonight.  But first, I had my Christmas to-do list.  There are still a couple of things on it; two of them are  breads, crescent rolls and tea rings.  I learned a long time ago that it does NOT feel like Christmas to me if we don't have them.  Some of my earliest memories are of my mom delivering tea rings to friends and neighbors and if I didn't make them, Christmas was not happening, not in my house at least.  

So, at 9:30 tonight, I started baking.  I've made these breads so much that I can do them in my sleep.  In fact, I probably have made them in my sleep.  My hands went into automatic mode leaving my brain....free.  

That is where I met my Grace.  I had the mental space to sort.  To think.  To talk to God.  I'm mature enough to admit that I got sassy and talked back to Him.  It's okay; He set me straight.  

I thought of these verses but when I looked them up, I read them in The Message-

"So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life- your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life- and place it before God as an offering.  

Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him.  

Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking.  Instead, fix your attention on God.  You'll be changed from the inside out.  

Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it.  Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings out the best of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Recognize them?  It's Romans 12:1-2, the "do not be conformed....be transformed" verses that most Christians have rote memorized.  But tonight, it grabbed me.  

My ordinary every day life, the obeying that I'm trying to do.

Fixing my attention on God, the Grace I'm looking for.

God bringing out the best in me- tonight, that was the bread.  The Christmas celebrating, the making, the creating, the obeying.

And suddenly, I feel Christmas-y.  Or rather, better even:  I feel Christ.  

My Mary Christmas

I have been thinking of the Christmas story from Mary's point of view a lot this Christmas.   It started at a Christmas brunch that one of my pastors spoke at when he said: God's first words to Mary were "do not be afraid" and "God is with you" (Luke 1:30),  which meant that she had reason to feel afraid and alone.  His response to her fear was Immanuel.

There have been plenty of places to feel afraid and alone this week, especially after the tragic shootings in Connecticut and Oregon.  I do not understand why God has allowed these things to happen.  His wisdom is far, far beyond me.  But I do know that I feel alone and afraid, just like Mary did.  And so, I have been clinging to Immanuel, meaning God with us.

When I first heard of the shootings, the verse jumped into my head from Matthew 2:18-

"A voice is heard in Ramah,
weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children,
and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more."

For the first time, I saw this verse from Mary's eyes.  She was a young mother and a newlywed.  As if that wasn't stressful enough, she was fleeing her homeland, because a king is out to kill her infant.  Seriously?  Terrifying in itself.   Then, add onto that 'mother guilt'; that special skill only mothers have to add guilt to any situation.  What must Mary have felt watching from a far as she felt responsible-  she held her little son, already the cause of bloodshed, while countless mothers lost their sons to the ego of a sick man?

Sound familiar?  Yep, I had mother guilt too.  As I picked up my kindergartener and hugged the breath out of her, I felt intense gratitude that my baby was okay and soul crushing pain for the mommies who could not.  I am watching from afar, feeling alone and afraid.  And I'm clinging to Immanuel.

"God is with is."

"Do not be afraid."

Right.  Easy to say.  Next to impossible to live out.

So what did Mary do?  In her fear and loneliness and new motherhood and being a new wife and a foreigner and a homeland in turmoil and fear for her child's life, her response was obey.

That's it.

The Christmas story in Matthew and Luke both record Mary and Joseph as obeying, regardless of how things looked, regardless of how they felt or how afraid they were.  They took Jesus to be circumcised.  They paid their taxes and tithes.  They registered for the census.  They went to Egypt and came back when God told them to.  They just....obeyed.

And, in their turmoil, God gave them Grace.  He sent angels.  He had family speak works of life and Truth into them.  Simeon and Anna both met them at the Temple.  Shepherds came.  Wise men came, with gifts that likely funded their exile to Egypt.  Angels came again.  Grace and Truth bombarded them in the middle of their turmoil.

And since the way God dealt with people then, is the way God deals with people now, here is my response:

I am obeying.

I am looking for Grace that must be bombarding us.

That's it.  I can't fix anything.  I can't heal anything.  I can't change anything.  But I can obey.

So, I am loving my husband.  I am loving my kids.  I'm doing laundry and school runs and wrapping presents.  I'm being thankful and grateful.  Patient (huge and hard for me.)  Kind.  Hopeful.  I'm paying my bills and my tithe and I'm doing what it is I do.  Most of all, I'm praying.  Hard.  For whatever I think to pray about. Whenever I think to pray it.  This is meaning a lot of middle of the night wake-up calls but that's a good thing.

And I am looking for Grace.  I am focusing on stories of heroism.  I am reading blogs and books that speak life and Truth.  I am celebrating Christmas with the people around me.  We are laughing and dancing and loving because that is where Grace is.  And, as Mary did, I am treasuring these things in my heart. (Luke 2:19)

Mary's treasuring, her remembering, was also an act of Grace.  She would need it for the path she had to travel as Jesus's mother.  And eventually, Mary watched her child die too.  Even then, there was Grace. (See John 19:26)  Who knows what we will need Grace for?  But we do know, it will be given in embarrassingly generous amounts when the time comes.

Someday, there will be peace on earth.  Someday, I will understand.  Until then, Immanuel.  Obey.  Look for Grace.

Mary Christmas.

Post script:  One of the perspectives I've found so far has been Ann Voskamp's blog post.  I loved it.  So here is a little of the Grace I've found this week.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2012/12/the-truth-about-sandy-hook-where-is-god-when-bad-things-happen/

I read a pastor once who said, "Going into the ministry is like throwing up; sometimes you can put it off for a while but eventually you just have to go ahead and do it."

I kind of feel that way about a blog.  I've had people say I should write one.  I've often felt that I had more to say about something than could be posted on Facebook.  I love reading blogs and gaining wisdom, perspective, laughter and sharing life with people that I would never otherwise be able to.

But, to be honest, there are lots of bloggers out there who have much more to share and better ways to say it than I do.  Sometimes, it seems like the height of hubris to post something on the Web, as if to say..."I have the solution!"  What could I possibly say that would add anything of value?  And, there is enough noise, words, speaking, talking, informing out in the world that I don't want to add to that if it's not going to be,  as Proverbs 25:11 says, "A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver."  Also, as my husband can attest to, I don't always respond well to criticism; yet here I am, opening myself up for it.  Scary, in many ways.

Apparently though, it is time for me to "throw up" and occasionally add my voice.  I have no delusions of grandeur but rather seek to share my thoughts and heart of the moments God has given me.  I also have no idea as to consistency.  I'll post when I have something burning on my heart and I would guess it will end up being like my prayer journals- a sporadic but honest accounting of my moments and days.  Thank you for joining me.