Thoughts on the Internet (but nothing profound)

So, here it is, 9-ish months since I last published: a new entry!  Do I win an award for the World's Most Inconsistent Blogger?  If not, I must at least be in the top five.  I have struggled to post for months now.

The thing is, I think of things to write about almost daily.  There are a laundry list of topics I would like to write about; quite a lot of 'thinks' run through my head on any given day.  And, some of it is probably good stuff, things I should share.  But quite a lot of it is decidedly not good and should never be spelled on a page.  So, how do you find the balance on what should and should not be posted?  I'm not sure and it may take me a long time to figure that out.  Until then, I try to post cautiously.

Also, in the last year, as I was doing the surrogacy, I was literally having the life sucked out of me.  IVF (In-vitro Fertilization) is tough, at least it was for me.  Some days it took all I had to get out of bed; conveniently, some days I was not allowed to get out of bed.  I didn't have extra energy to heat up coffee, let alone blog.  I am so grateful that I did it and it was by far the best "Hard Thing" I have ever done in my life.  It was a long, wonderful undertaking that I will write about....soon.  We are still processing and I am still healing.

But the main road block I have with blogging is that the Internet is LOUD.  Has anyone else noticed?  It is a great, beautiful platform from which anyone can shout.  And they should.  With a caveat.  (And here I begin my "shouting.")

I love blogs and Pins and 'how-to's' and travel tales and before/after transformations and people sharing life.  Being a historian, I am a sucker for a good story.  I love how the Internet lets us connect with people we would never meet in regular life and unites us under the "Me too/I thought I was the only one" banner.  Life is meant to be lived with people and in a weird way, the Internet lets us do that with people we will never know face to face.

But.....it also gives a place to bash and belittle and judge and bully and shout "I KNOW BETTER!" when really we don't, we just love the sound of our own opinion.  Anyone with a blog can publish whatever they want without worrying about the effect on others because it isn't real life interaction and they can just delete or ignore anything they don't like.

Except.  You can't un-say words.  You can't permanently delete anything.  I especially, forget that sometimes.

I've spent a lot of time online in the last year.  I was on "limited activity" (whatever that means with 4 kids) for 80% of the pregnancy which gave me a lot of hours on my couch.  I read books and Pinned thousands, yes thousands, of pins and harassed my friends on Facebook and found more blogs that I will admit to reading.  Some of them were/are fantastic and I am now a repeat customer.  Some made me want to cry.  Several did make me cry.  A few made me want to throw my computer at the wall.

Here is what I found: the Internet makes me jealous.  I read something or hear about someone and I think, "I could do that and a lot better.  Why do they get to do that and not me?"  Strangely, it is usually with experiences and not with stuff that I get this way.  I could care less about someone's big, beautiful house....whatever, happy for them.  But, you got to go to Belize on vacation?  Work at your dream job?  Publish a book?  Lose 50 pounds?  Suddenly, I. Want. What. You. Have.

I hear you saying, "If it does that to you, turn off the computer, Girl!"  And yes, I should.  Now that I'm up and about again, I am logging in a lot fewer hours online.  It's good to be mobile and in my own life again.  But, in our American world, completely logging off isn't really an option.  Nor, I think, wise.  I'm raising teenagers now and it is important for me to know about the world they are growing up in so that I can help give them the skills to handle it in a God honoring way.  I need the Internet for that sometimes.

So, what's my point?  It is this:  I'm uncomfortable with everyone publishing just because they can.  And, I don't want to publish anything that will cause pain or distraction or jealousy or cause a fight or annoy people. Also, the Bible is very clear that we will be held accountable for every word we use.  (Matthew 12:36)  I am taking that much more seriously as I grow up.

But....I'm once again feeling the push to write and a blog is the best place for that right now.  So, bear with me.  Read if you'd like.  Delete me if you don't like.  Please don't take anything I write as gospel.  And thank you for listening to me shout for a little while.

I promise to be a little more consistent and interesting than I've been in the last year.  :)