A LESS kind of Day

I have not gotten one thing done today.

Well,  I say that dramatically.  I have done things: school runs, some laundry, dishes, posted a FB status update, changed some diapers.  But none of those things are on my miles long "to-do" list.  Maybe they should be, just for the pleasure of checking something off.

Whatever.  I have yet to finish something that I could scratch off my list.

Neither Mondays nor mornings are my thing and I tend to slink into the week with my yoga pants on, slurping coffee and mumbling.  Add to that it has been quite the month- 5 birthdays, one dead car battery, a new squadron, a trip to Disneyland, back-to-school with Christmas hangovers,  back to the routines at church, 3 parties, close friends in turmoil and a round of the stomach flu.

I'm reeling with tiredness.

This is not the "a good night of sleep and good meal will fix it" kind of tiredness.  I'm suffering from the "bone deep, soul weary, lay my head on Jesus's lap and cry" kind of tired.  The kind that comes sometimes when things start to crumble around you or the people you love and you just don't know what to do but run to the Cross.  It's not a necessarily a bad thing; it's just life.  Jesus promised this would happen.  But, it always seems to catch me off guard.

And, I have so many things to do, the list is literally sucking the life out of me.  Good things.  They are important and/or urgent and they are part of my job.  I know enough about myself to know that I am a great starter but a really bad finisher and I don't put stuff on my list if I don't think it's worth the effort to complete.

And yet....I sit here typing a blog instead of working on the relentless taskmaster of To-Do.

Some part of me wants to yell "Get up, girl, and just get started!  It's not so bad once you get going."  And, that's true.  But, then again, some days you just have to step back.

So, I am.

Today I am practicing my "Less" motto for this year in doing less.

Now, I can't do this for long, not even for the whole day, or the wheels would fall off the wagon of Team Nelson and life would get ugly.  But for now, I am turning off the volume of my DO DO DO voice and am doing LESS.

The lists and the jobs and the chores will still be there tomorrow.  The Dishes and Laundry Fairy has yet to find my house so those things will be there tomorrow.  The Thank You notes that are not yet written will be one day later.  Dinner may be cereal.  Life will go on.  Tomorrow will come.

After I decided to do LESS today, I was finishing my Bible Study for tomorrow (haha!  I did get one thing done to check off a list- go me!) I "accidentally" found Psalm 131:2

"But I have calmed and quieted myself, 

I am like a weaned child with its mother; 

Like a weaned child I am content."

Today is a 'lay my head on Jesus's shoulder and listen to His heartbeat' kind of day.  Like a weaned child, content to rest.

What do you do when you don't know what to do?

Recently, both my Marine and I have suddenly been faced with the possibility of going back to school in the next year or so.  Quite frankly, this is a shocking and scary proposition to me.  Since I graduated with a Bachelor's in History nearly 15 years ago, the only thing I've done with my degree is dust it.

We have been seriously blessed in that I have not had to use my education to find paying work.  I drag my husband and kids, and whoever else can't come up with a good excuse, to anything historical I can find.  If you need a useless historical factoid or small talk fodder, I'm totally your girl.  Research is my forte and I love to look up things, just because.

But, unless Jeopardy or Trivial Pursuit are looking for staff writers, I'm up the proverbial creek without a job.  And with four kids who will hopefully want college educations too, I should figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

While I don't think this counts as a mid-life crisis (no urge to buy a flashy car or get a make-over, yet), it is slightly concerning that I have no idea what I'd want to get a Master's degree in or what to do with it afterward.  And, I've had to face the idea that if something ever happened to my Marine Pilot, I'd be the sole provider for our kids.  That's not something I could do at this minute.  Thankfully, God hasn't (and prayerfully, never will) asked that of me, but it is a reality that many military wives face.

So....what to do?

I've read that where the World's need meets your passion is where you should serve God.  Huh.  Well, since I am really not sure the World has a need where English manor houses are concerned, I must have another passion I have yet to uncover.

And, the only thing that comes to mind is this quote from a long ago Victorian Lit class (one of my favorites, which speaks volumes about my brain.  Weird.  I know.  My husband and kids will probably need therapy for prolonged exposure to me):

"Do the Duty which lies nearest thee, which though knowest to be a Duty!

Thy second Duty will already have become clearer."

Thomas Carlyle, Sartor Resartus

Great advice.  Not exactly Biblical.

Or is it?

Isn't that the same idea behind Jesus's parable of the Talents?  

"Well done, good and faithful servant; 

you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over man things.  

Enter into the joy of your Lord."  (Matthew 25:21)

I'm not sure but they sound similar to me.  Do the next thing. Be faithful.  In big things or little things, "do the duty that lies nearest to thee."

But, what if my next thing is 900 loads of laundry and yet another round of floor mopping?  Or, car pool.  Get the oil changed or have that difficult conversation with my kids. Un-commit to something I should not have said yes to in the first place.  Speak words of Truth and Love to someone who does not want to hear them.  Do something I don't want to do (#exercise.  yuck.)  Potty training. (Double yuck.)  Feed the homeless man on the corner.  Not go shopping.  Balance my checking account.  Well, then, I guess I need to be faithful in those 'small things'.

In the grand scheme of things, this all looks silly.  What a load of First World, middle class, American problems I just listed off.  But, this is the life I have.  This is where God has placed me.  He could have put me anywhere on Earth, at any time in history.  He chose me for here, for now, so He must have something that He wants me to do here, now.  I'm not sure what that is.  Don't you wish that God would just send us a text message in the morning of what He wants us to do everyday?  I haven't gotten one from Him yet, so I'll keep doing what's right in front of me.

Maybe I won't go back to school at all.  Maybe I will.  Maybe I have a passion I know nothing about yet because I have more 'faithful' to do still.  I don't know.   

But I'm looking.  I'm praying, specifically, that He'll show me what to do and how to do it.  He always has.  I'm praying that I'll obey.  And, I'm doing those loads of laundry.  And praying.  And carpools.  And writing (Side note- This has been strange; for a decade and a half, I've rarely written anything longer than a thank you note.  Now, I can't seem to keep the words in).  And more praying.  Until the next duty becomes clear.

Brand New Year, Same Old Me

I always greet the new year with mixed emotions.

On one hand, I love the idea of a re-set.  The chance at a "do-over" is intoxicating and exciting.  And, it's Biblical (see Lamentations 3:23 and 2 Corinthians 5:17).  Grace for a new day and the chance to begin again are essential.

On the other hand, I know my track record.  I've needed and used what are probably more than my fair share of fresh starts.  The new year kicks off with grand intentions, or shall we call them, delusions.  Finally, I think, this will be the year that I get it together and become the "me that I want to be!"  But, by this time in January, I'm already struggling.  Come Valentine's Day I have basically given up, by Easter I'm not sure what my resolutions were and at the end of summer....resolutions?  What resolutions?

I am great at bringing the old me into the New Year, and isn't that the definition of stupid: doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result?  This lack of my perceived progress is at times very discouraging and depressing.  Why bother if I'm just going to screw it up, AGAIN?

Last year, though, I finally tried something new.  I set a simple goal- Drink more water.

That's all it was.  My whole "resolution" for the year was to drink more water.  Got it.  I think even I can manage that.  And, I did.

Now, that is going to sound really stupid to some people.  Duh!  It's water.

But I'm a recovering Diet Coke addict and this was big for me.  I knew all the reasons, the science, the answers.  But knowing truth doesn't make you follow it.

So last year, I drank more water.  I didn't measure and I didn't keep count.  I just tried to make water a habit and sort of got there.  I drink more water now than I did at the beginning of 2012; it's my default about 50% of the time, whereas before it was my default only when I was feeing sick.  YAY me!  As the saying goes, "Don't practice until you get it right.  Practice until you can't get it wrong."  I will keep at it.

That effort spilled over into other things and became my theme for the year- Be Intentional.

In years past, I would pick a verse and make a long list of things to do/to be/to become.  By now you know how that worked out.

Last year: Drink More Water and Be Intentional.

This blog is the fruit of some of that intentionality.  I also started running and ran two 5K races.  I managed an international move, partly by myself and things went great.  We bought a house based on lots of research and looking, not emotion and whim.  I was finally able to let go of a lot of the "stuff" that was clogging our lives.  All of those things could have gone very badly, if they had been done at all, if I had not been intentional.  Now, I'm not happy about all of the choices I made last year (hello, extra 15 pounds, so not nice to see you!), but I made progress.

It seems I need is simplicity.

So, I'm doing it again this year.  One thing.  One goal.  One focus.

2013 will be LESS.

In a topic for another blog, I'm overwhelmed by how much more, excess, too much, over the top life is in America.  And, while that's not necessarily a bad thing, for now, I need less.

I think my mantra this year may very well turn out to be John 3:30.  Not to get into a theological discussion about taking things out of context, my mind keeps churning over  :"He must become greater, I must become less."

Contrary to what I sometimes try, I can't control God.  I can't manage the "He must become greater."  I have know way of knowing or manipulating what that will look like, nor would I ever want to.  Only God can do that.  But I can control the "I must become less" part.  Less of my natural inclinations.  Less of my default settings.  Less of the 'Amy' habits.  I want to have less, do less, be less, to make room for Greater Him.

For me that will mean: Less yelling.  Less consuming.  Less spending.  Less wasting.  Less mindlessness.  Less eating.  Less busy.  And, less of things that He hasn't even shown me yet.  We'll get there.

For now, though, just....less.