Thoughts on the Internet (but nothing profound)

So, here it is, 9-ish months since I last published: a new entry!  Do I win an award for the World's Most Inconsistent Blogger?  If not, I must at least be in the top five.  I have struggled to post for months now.

The thing is, I think of things to write about almost daily.  There are a laundry list of topics I would like to write about; quite a lot of 'thinks' run through my head on any given day.  And, some of it is probably good stuff, things I should share.  But quite a lot of it is decidedly not good and should never be spelled on a page.  So, how do you find the balance on what should and should not be posted?  I'm not sure and it may take me a long time to figure that out.  Until then, I try to post cautiously.

Also, in the last year, as I was doing the surrogacy, I was literally having the life sucked out of me.  IVF (In-vitro Fertilization) is tough, at least it was for me.  Some days it took all I had to get out of bed; conveniently, some days I was not allowed to get out of bed.  I didn't have extra energy to heat up coffee, let alone blog.  I am so grateful that I did it and it was by far the best "Hard Thing" I have ever done in my life.  It was a long, wonderful undertaking that I will write about....soon.  We are still processing and I am still healing.

But the main road block I have with blogging is that the Internet is LOUD.  Has anyone else noticed?  It is a great, beautiful platform from which anyone can shout.  And they should.  With a caveat.  (And here I begin my "shouting.")

I love blogs and Pins and 'how-to's' and travel tales and before/after transformations and people sharing life.  Being a historian, I am a sucker for a good story.  I love how the Internet lets us connect with people we would never meet in regular life and unites us under the "Me too/I thought I was the only one" banner.  Life is meant to be lived with people and in a weird way, the Internet lets us do that with people we will never know face to face.

But.....it also gives a place to bash and belittle and judge and bully and shout "I KNOW BETTER!" when really we don't, we just love the sound of our own opinion.  Anyone with a blog can publish whatever they want without worrying about the effect on others because it isn't real life interaction and they can just delete or ignore anything they don't like.

Except.  You can't un-say words.  You can't permanently delete anything.  I especially, forget that sometimes.

I've spent a lot of time online in the last year.  I was on "limited activity" (whatever that means with 4 kids) for 80% of the pregnancy which gave me a lot of hours on my couch.  I read books and Pinned thousands, yes thousands, of pins and harassed my friends on Facebook and found more blogs that I will admit to reading.  Some of them were/are fantastic and I am now a repeat customer.  Some made me want to cry.  Several did make me cry.  A few made me want to throw my computer at the wall.

Here is what I found: the Internet makes me jealous.  I read something or hear about someone and I think, "I could do that and a lot better.  Why do they get to do that and not me?"  Strangely, it is usually with experiences and not with stuff that I get this way.  I could care less about someone's big, beautiful house....whatever, happy for them.  But, you got to go to Belize on vacation?  Work at your dream job?  Publish a book?  Lose 50 pounds?  Suddenly, I. Want. What. You. Have.

I hear you saying, "If it does that to you, turn off the computer, Girl!"  And yes, I should.  Now that I'm up and about again, I am logging in a lot fewer hours online.  It's good to be mobile and in my own life again.  But, in our American world, completely logging off isn't really an option.  Nor, I think, wise.  I'm raising teenagers now and it is important for me to know about the world they are growing up in so that I can help give them the skills to handle it in a God honoring way.  I need the Internet for that sometimes.

So, what's my point?  It is this:  I'm uncomfortable with everyone publishing just because they can.  And, I don't want to publish anything that will cause pain or distraction or jealousy or cause a fight or annoy people. Also, the Bible is very clear that we will be held accountable for every word we use.  (Matthew 12:36)  I am taking that much more seriously as I grow up.

But....I'm once again feeling the push to write and a blog is the best place for that right now.  So, bear with me.  Read if you'd like.  Delete me if you don't like.  Please don't take anything I write as gospel.  And thank you for listening to me shout for a little while.

I promise to be a little more consistent and interesting than I've been in the last year.  :)

Might want to sit down for this one....

Earlier in the year I blogged about "What to do when you don't know what to do" and having a year of Less.  I sensed at the time that God had something big coming up for us but was at a loss at to what that was.  We had just moved so I was pretty sure it wasn't that.  Was I going back to school?  Getting a job?  Starting some new and major project?

Well, in true "I-have-a-greater-plan-than-you" form, God did have something for us but I could never have guessed what it was.  This year has indeed been a lesson in less but in a way I didn't even consider.  Yes, we got rid of some stuff.  We have been very intentional about what we committed to and have kept our lives away from manic.  But what this year turned out to be was actually the most un-'me' thing I could have thought of and I have had a very good lesson in less of self this year.

You see, I am almost 13 weeks pregnant and, for the first time in my life, I had to work very hard to get that way.  No, we are not adding a Dash-5.  Rather, we are a small part of a very big miracle that God is doing; hopefully in the first week of June next year, we will be able to place a healthy and happy baby into the arms of friends who have had a long, heartbreaking struggle with infertility.
Didn't see that one coming?  Yeah, neither did I.

But, sometimes in life God asks us to do things that are not about us at all and totally about Him.  This is definitely one of those times.  God made it very clear that He was working a miracle in our friend's lives and we could either be a part of it and be blessed or we could miss out and He would use another way.  For me especially, Galatians 6:10 stuck out: 

"Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers."  

A few things to know:

• This is a decision that we made as a family and are fulfilling as a family.  It has been an "all hands on deck" event and everyone is pitching in.  
• We sought wise counsel before we started, have spent hours praying about it and have followed all the legal and medical statutes.  Though the parents are good friends of ours, we do have a contract to protect both parties and the baby.  This is not something that any of us did lightly or without guidance.
• I am a gestational surrogate, or the "Baby Baker" as the baby's parents have said.  :)  We are not in any way genetically related to the baby and will joyfully give him or her to the parents to love and raise.  

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "Gee, lady...that seems kind of extreme, having a baby for someone else."  Yes, it is.  Being pregnant is not my favorite thing and this has been a long road.  But, as I'll talk about in future posts, it is exactly perfect for us at this time and place and we can clearly see how God has been leading us to this point.  Does He ask everyone to do this?  Of course not, but He did of us and perfectly prepared the way. 

To all the Mommies coming up behind me: Keep 'Doing'

Picture this if you will--

You are sitting in the bathroom, locked in a battle of the wills with your small but fully cognizant 3 year old, each insisting the other is wrong, arguing for the nine hundreth time that yes, they can actually go pee-pee in the potty.  Determined to win, you battle it out for hours, only to be interrupted by full-on terrorist threats coming from your two oldest; clearly if there is no parental intervention, there will be blood, if not death.  As you leave the bathroom to the sound of your precious baby screaming that "THEY CANT DO THIS" you think, "I need to go find the strongest drink in the house," which at any given moment, is probably the fermented apple juice in the rogue sippy cup underneath the bookshelf.  

Said bookshelf does not actually have any books on it at the moment, just half of a dirty pair of socks and now the favorite toy that you have confiscated to avoid bloodshed.  This is the same bookshelf that, in a week, will fall on your middle child who was trying to scale it to get back the aforementioned toy that you promptly forgot about.  It will result in a six hour trip to the ER while you not-so-patiently wait to be seen and simultaneously try to entertain the two perfectly healthy children who do not require stitches; everyone gets dinner out of the vending machine.  You tiredly joke with the doctor about getting a sedative for yourself too and receive a disapproving stare and a jotted down note in the chart.  This will later lead you to hysteria at midnight, sure in your middle-of-the-night-clear-thinking that Child Services will be showing up at your door just before breakfast.  

As you stop for gas on the way home from the hospital, because there won't be enough time during the morning school run, you wonder in passing, "Will I ever sleep through the night again?"

I am here to testify, yes.  Yes, you will.  And it will be glorious.  And you will feel human again.  I promise.

In the mania of "back to school" there have been lots of posts about motherhood/childhood/raising kids.  Other moms are talking about this right now and many of them more eloquently.  But, this is important, so I think it bears repeating.

Hang in there!

I am by no means an expert.  I fail just as often as I flourish.  We are only a month into the teen years and will have at least one little one in the house for the next sixteen years.  This is, of course, if there are no surprises or 'boomerang' kids (you know, the ones that move out only to move back in when they realize what a good gig they had at mom and dad's house.)  I am still in the proverbial trenches.

But, I can also see that there is hope.  I have it on good authority from friends that I trust that teenagers aren't as horrifying as everyone says.  Dash-1 and Dash-2 are old enough to babysit so that my Marine and I can actually go to a non-animated movie on occasion.  My laundry pile is horrifying on some days but they are big enough to help now.  My kiddos are far from leaving but they have started to walk toward the door.  Somedays this makes me happy and some days breaks my heart.

So, to all the mommies who are in some version of the above story (all hypothetical, by the way, except for the potty training part), here are my two cents.

1.)  Drop the comparison game.  NOW.

As much as I love Pinterest and find so many great ideas from people smarter than me, it can be a deep, dark pit.  In America, we love to 'keep up with the Jones' and the Internet is fuel to that fire.  Don't let yourself get sucked into the idea that your two year old must have a Minion themed party for one hundred, complete with homemade goodie bags and a cake that took you sixteen hours and $300 worth of supplies to make.  Celebrate the birth of your child certainly but run away from the guilt monster screaming that you are a bad mother if you don't hand decorate cupcakes for 25 other 2-year-olds who will only eat the frosting anyway.  If that is something you love doing, certainly go for it but don't do things to earn a non-existent "Best Mother" banner.  Comparing yourself to a mystical standard will only suck out what little life you have left and the years go fast enough as it is.  Leave it.  The kids will enjoy a store bought cake just as much and you will actually enjoy your kids then too.




2.)  Give yourself Grace

When I was a very young mother, I struggled fantastically with feeling inadequate.  My Marine was gone 75% of the time, we lived in a foreign country very far away from family and I knew without a doubt that I was the worst mother in the world, in fact, not in theory.

Grace came to me in the form of a visiting counselor who, along with my patient and wonderful pastor's wife, picked my sobbing self off the floor of a church potluck and took me to a safe place.  The counselor listened to as much of my story as I could get out and then looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Young lady, God could have given your children to any mother He wanted to; that is perfectly within His power.  He chose you so I know you have exactly what they need.  You are the best mother for them that there is.  So, go.  Do it.  Because you are the best that God has for them."

When I feebly protested that I would try, she interrupted me and said kindly but strongly, "No, don't TRY.  Go DO.  Do the best you can, whatever that is but there is no 'trying' in motherhood."

Now, I would love to say that was a battle standard I grabbed and charged over the hill with.  The truth is....not so much.  There are still days that I suck at this motherhood thing and I parent so badly that I wonder why any of my kids stick it out with me; I guess since none of them drive yet, they have no where else to go.  I am muddling through just as much now as I ever was.

But, I keep going.  I keep doing.  And, I am learning.  I can now recognize when we all need a re-set, when we need a nap, when we need time away from each other, when we need to go out to eat, when we need to call Grandma, when we need family time, when we need to let the blessed TV babysit so that I can get a shower without little fingers sticking under the door.  I give them and myself Grace when we screw up and we keep going because bogging yourself down in guilt does no one any favors.

My mom told me before I got married that my kids and my husband would be tailor made by God to help me grow up.  As they say, truer words have never been spoken.  I am growing up and I now know that, even in all my stupidity, I am the best mother for them and they are the best kids for me.

So....Keep fighting the good fight, dear mommies who are behind me.  It gets easier and better and harder and happier.  Your hearts will break and heal in a million places but it is totally worth it.  Just remember: Don't compare your 'lame' parenting to anyone else's 'lame' parenting (because, despite what it looks like, we are all working blind here) and give yourself grace to keep going.   Keep Doing.

MAKs (May Acts of Kindness)

MAKs (May Acts of Kindness)

The last two months have been, to put it mildly, *insane* at our house, especially April.  I'll spare the gory details but needless to say, I'm thrilled that May is finally here.

The result of all this craziness is that I am now left tired, disorganized and cranky.  I feel as if I'm behind on 500+ projects or 'should do' items.  I'm not sleeping well, not feeling well and not functioning well.  My house is suffering from chronic 'stash and dash' cleaning.  I don't remember the last actual conversation with my hubby; we text a lot but are operating a bit like ships in the night. My kids are losing homework assignments, pawing through piles of clean but not folded laundry for clothes and have not had a consistent bedtime in weeks.  There is also a fair amount of bickering and miscommunication.  As you can see, it's been pretty ugly around here and I'd like it to stop.

My plan of attack?  Well, I've found in life that the best way to get back on track is not to hunker down and focus on ourselves but rather to be intentional about focusing on others.  So, for the month of May, my kiddos and I will be doing May Acts of Kindness.

This picture is a mural that we helped paint at a local school last weekend as part of our church's Weekend of Service.  It was so much fun and felt awesome to get out of our routines to do something specific and unusual to make other people's lives better.

I know lots of people do Radom Acts of Kindness in December but I always seem to buck tradition and like to do things a little off kilter.  Also, it is generally impossible to add one single thing more to the December calendar.  And, people need love and consideration just as much in May, right?  So, here goes!

I'm going to try to keep it as simple as possible, as creative but not costly as possible and as thoughtful as possible.  Also, I'd like my kids to participate so what we end up doing will be mostly kid friendly.  Anyone have ideas for us to do?

I'll post an update how it goes!

Storms and Decisions

Storms and Decisions

You know those times in life where it seems like decisions pile on top of you all at once and need to be made right now?  And, in and of themselves, most of the choices are manageable but they all stack up and all have a deadline?  Things like:

~Do we transfer the kids to a different school/teacher?

~Do we pour more money into the dying car or cut our losses and run?

~Do we put Dad/Granma/Aunt Sally in a nursing home and if so where is the money going to come from?

~Do we refinance the house?

~Do we get a dog or a security system?

~After school sports or no after school sports?

~Do we say yes to the job or stay where we are?

~Is it better to do the surgery or try physical therapy first?

~Go back to school?  

~Do we find a new church or stay committed here?

Yeah, that was our house last week.  Most of those scenarios aren't ones we are personally facing but someone we know or love has been in them.  Our choices were like those and it's been more than a bit stressful.  My brain is pretty much mush at this point.   I don't have any fingernails left (I know: really, really bad habit- don't try that at home kids!).

But, we prayed about what was before us, sought wise counsel and made the decisions.  And then, we stepped out in faith and followed through.  Some of them are pretty strange.  

For example, we made the deliberate choice to, God willing, have four kids in four different schools, in four different parts of town.  No buses.  Yeah, I'm gonna be living in my trusty Honda Odyssey next school year.  We didn't do that because I love driving all over SoCal but because we feel those are the best places for our kids for now.  I may be cursing that course of action come Fall.   

Anyway, after everything was decided and out of our hands, I felt great.....for about six hours.  

Then panic and doubt set in.

I knew with sudden clarity the fiery terror that swept through Peter's veins when he stepped out of the boat to meet Jesus, only to panic and  start to sink.  (Matthew 14:22-36)

I love Peter.  He was such a bonehead; he talked too much, made rash decisions, had delusions of grandeur, was inconsistent and easily distracted from the work at hand.  He reminds me a lot of myself.  

I too made the choice to 'step out of the boat', the USS Comfort Zone, and walk toward Jesus, who was calling me.  Then I got distracted.  I was very aware of how deep the water was beneath me.  I realized how big the waves were getting. And, how far away the boat was.  It felt very lonely.

I panicked.  

Fear came flooding over me and I started to sink quickly.  My emotions went from zero to haywire in .2 seconds.  It wasn't pretty, ya'll.

Fortunately, I made the same smart choice Peter did and simply said "Jesus!!"  He was there.  And, I knew I was safe.

The thing is, the water beneath us is deep; it always will be this side of Eternity.  The waves are big and getting bigger as time goes on.  Our boats are not reliable.  And sometimes, the choice to get out of the boat seems strange, counter-intuitive, stupid even.

But what I realized this week is that I am far better off with Jesus, out in the water, than I would ever be in some man-made boat of comfort. Honestly, is there any more perfect place to be?  I think not.

A Stupid and Dangerous Game

"Comparison is the thief of joy."

~ Teddy Roosevelt

I have 'radio silent' for a few weeks because I've been playing a stupid and dangerous game.  It's one that I struggle with occasionally and I know how dumb it is.  Sometimes I accidentally slip into it, sometimes I carelessly rush in.  The game?  That great and endless game of "Comparison."

How do I measure up?  

Where am I in the long line of Christianity?  "I'm behind you but way ahead of them so I'm doing okay."

"Is she a better mother than I?  She must be, everything she feeds her kids is organic and homemade."

"Wow...That was a great blog.  I'll never be that good of a writer."

"Is my marriage better than theirs?  Of course it is; we *never* argue about (fill in the blank.)"

And on. And on. And on.

Martha Stewart I am decidedly NOT.  Also, not much in my life is Pinterest worthy.  I don't homeschool, garden, sew, sell anything, etc.  I yell at my kids instead of patiently explain things. I bicker with my husband instead of calmly talking things out and serving him.  We eat fast food less than some but more than we should.  There are a lot of places where I feel inferior or not as good as someone else and, occasionally, places where I feel superior.  Enter the Comparison trap.

It's an endless game.  And a stupid one. Because comparison does one of two things to me.  It either:

A.) Discourages me and gives me an incorrect view of life or
B.) It causes me to start judging those around me and gets me up on my "holier than thou" high horse.

Either of those responses kill my faith. They sabotage what I'm supposed to be doing.  They suck up my time and keep me discouraged or distracted.  I'm no good to God in either of those places.  If I'm elbowing for a better place in line, I've got nothing left to do what I'm supposed to be doing and Satan loves that.

An additional side effect: I will always end up a loser when I compare.  There will always be someone smarter, thinner, richer, happier.  The world is full of people who are better writers, better parents, better organizers, more disciplined, funnier, faster, holier.  The list, like the beat that goes on, is infinite.  The ruler that I measure myself against will leave me coming up short.  Every. Single. Time.

I hate living like that.

In an effort to get myself out of compare/contrast mode, I did a Bible search.  Actually, the Bible has a lot to say about comparison but here's the thing-  it's almost always talking about God, not humans.  Only one time does it talk about comparing to one another....to say "don't do it!" (2 Cor 10:12)  Also, Jesus had a low tolerance to the jockeying for position that the Pharisees and the Disciples were always doing.  If He couldn't stand it with them, I'm thinking that He doesn't like it in me either.

My church is fond of saying that God draws straight lines with crooked sticks.

That would be me.  Right here.  Right now.  I'm pretty dang crooked.  Good thing God can use me anyway.  Regardless of how "_______" I am or am not, when I obey Him, He can use me.

I have to stop looking side to side.  Stop looking behind or in front.  Stop comparing notes with what other people have on their lists.  Look to Jesus.  Do the thing that is in front of me that He as asked me to do.

Today, that was write this post; regardless of how I think it turns out, how good it is compared to other things I read, regardless of what the feedback is.  Put down the stupid hypothetical ruler and write.

On "Being All Here"

"Each one of our lives is shot through, threaded in and out with God's provision, his grace, his protection, but on the average day, 

we notice it about as much as we really notice gravity or the hole in the ozone."  

Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines

Can I say that, so far, this blog is not at all turning out to what I had thought it would be?

To be honest, I'm not really sure what I was expecting but it wasn't this.  Most of the posts have ended up very different from what I thought they would be.  And, I had hoped to be more consistent than I have been.  I'm not sure if this is good, a sign that I'm following where the Spirit would lead, or if it just means that I'm a loose cannon on that storm tossed ship, The Internet.  I guess only time will tell.

One thing has been exactly as I had hoped though.  Blogging has forced me to slow down and pay attention.  I am tired of living life in a blur and my title, Being All Here, is an attempt to focus my brain, my thoughts on the here and the now.

Being a historian, I have a strange relationship to time.  I love it and yet I hate it.  I tend toward looking backward or looking forward without really looking around right now.  And, being a goal/task oriented personality, I have the hateful (to me) habit of blowing off present in favor of the past or future.  Anchoring my brain in moment is very hard for me.  Add to that what Ann VosKamp calls "mother-tired" and I turn numb.

Also, I am a handful of short years away from the Big 4-0.  This is a good thing but it is a little sad when I think that last decade of my given moments has simply evaporated.

Dash-1 (helicopter speak for the first helo in a formation, or in our house, the first child) is eye level with me now.  His hands are as big as mine.  I cannot keep his feet in shoes.  And yet, when I look at him, I don't see my Man-cub, on the rim of that vast and thrilling canyon of teenager-hood.  I see my little man; feeding cheerios to the dog from his high chair, lining his Hot Wheels on the windowsill, trying to hold his squirming body still to tame his wild hair.  That baby boy is gone, in a good way, but gone just the same.  I don't remember much of the intervening years.

But blogging is helping me to push aside the crowding voices and be in the minute.  To slow down.  To think.  To rest and to be here.  To hold on to right now so that I can actually remember it later.  To become a deeper person.  I can't write about something without thinking about it first and I'm liking this side effect.

One of my all time favorite books is Mark Buchanan's The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul by Restoring Sabbath.  I've read it at least 20 times and find something new every time.  In it he says:

"Being in a hurry.  Getting to the next thing without fully entering the thing in front of me.  I cannot think of a single advantage I've ever gained from being in a hurry.  But a thousand broken and missed things, tens of thousands, lie in the wake of all that rushing.  Through all that haste, I thought I was making up time.  It turns out I was throwing it away."  (emphasis added)

Yes.  THAT.

I'm slowly learning to:

~Let go of the hurry and the task.

~To pay attention to the tears when the brush gets caught in Dash-2's hair.

~To listen to the Christmas songs that Dash-3 sings as she colors, in February.  Or to watch and smile at her self-invented, yoga-ish routine she does in the living room.

~To notice when Dash-4, the baby, is entirely too quiet and intervene before it becomes a massive mess.

~To take pictures of....whatever, to help me see it, really see it.

Hopefully, eventually, I will do these things not because I might blog about them but just for the sake of marking them in my conscious.  But for right now, Being All Here is helping me to be all here.